[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
#Caturday
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.