My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?