‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Remember folks 😂
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
shampoo implies shampee
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money