#Caturday
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
*jingles half the way*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
me when the borders lift
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop