9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.