I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m about to risk it all
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.