Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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Breaking news:
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.