I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Note to self: I am a note
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Had to try this trend 😊
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*