I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.