AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
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Damn what did I do next
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Beware…..
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent