Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]