Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again