When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!