in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*watches the world burn*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood