Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
how to exercise your calf muscles
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Google assistant rules
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips