Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Worlds greatest photobomb
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late