Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
No Google it does not
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.