Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“our sushi is very fresh”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*updates tinder bio*
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”