I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Möther may I have a snäck
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.