MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I thought this was funny lol
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.