Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why