Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness