Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.