I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Genius idea!!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine