My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats