Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*