*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Same pineapple, same
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.