Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”