ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
You Might Also Like
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I missed you with all my darts
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.