Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
You Might Also Like
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.