Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
the three branches of government
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?