Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I feel it
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I need to update my racial profile.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Most fashion shows these days…
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there