I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Simple enough.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.