If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I feel seen.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Who called it baking and not making love
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…