Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
How it started How it’s going
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Coffee is ready.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars