Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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Air conditioning – not a fan
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.