Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
You Might Also Like
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I think I’ll stand
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.