[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.