If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
concern
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*