First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.