Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*