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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.