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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus