JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.