I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.