My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I hope this email punches you square in the face
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay