If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time