Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…