[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.