INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
We’ve come full circle
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me